Reaching New Heights With Phish

I saw Phish again, twice, this past weekend. Saturday’s show was good, but I was way up high on the enormous lawn at Alpine where most people weren’t really into it. I was all excited for the shows based on the enormous fun I had back in March at Hampton, but a lot of that fun was due to the entire crowd at the coliseum being 100% engaged with the music. You can’t help but get wrapped up in the excitement in an environment like that. So I was a little let down seeing a show from so far away, with the sound sort of muffled, surrounded by people who weren’t all that enthusiastic. The next night was a different story though. I sat in the pavilion with some friends for Sunday’s show, much closer, with much better views of the band and the lights, along with better sound and a better crowd. The music was also better. They opened the second set with a cover of Crosseyed and Painless by The Talking Heads, and they absolutely ripped it. The blissful feelings coursing through my body during that song were not unlike a devotee having an ecstatic religious experience.

In thinking more about this, it’s obvious to me why people tour with the band. They’re chasing a feeling, a sensation that may not come during every show, but that is certain to appear once every 3-4 shows at least. I’ve always had a quiet respect for these apparently scummy hippie types, but I could never put my finger on why exactly. And let me be clear and state that I’m not referring to those that have little to no respect for others, because there are many of them. But those that are out there chasing that feeling, to me they’re like humble pilgrims searching for divine union through music, the same exact thing in fact as yoga through sound. In India music is considered a sacred thing, and it can lead to yoga, which is defined as union with the sacred. In the east they have chanting and kirtan, whereas here we have rock and roll, but the goals and the path are the same. I wish more people realized this. We would have much more respect for the arts and for living in close contact with God’s love. But in this society we’re too materialistic for that.

Or is it really materialism that’s at the heart of our ills? Lately I’ve been challenging this idea. I think that maybe what’s really going on is deep-seeded fear stemming from lack of faith, in each other and in the divine. And the divine happens to be in each and everyone one of us in fact. Having material things makes people feel safe, safe from not ever having to rely on another human being for anything.

Let me try to show what I’m getting at by talking about my own thinking. After Sunday’s Phish show, hanging out in the lot and watching fireworks, it occurred to me that this is what life is all about, the feelings of love that I can only get through experiences like this. I had the same revelation in Hampton actually. Over the next couple of days I thought about how I want to chase those feelings, and that material things don’t mean anything to me compared to this search (though I didn’t and still don’t have a concrete path but some I’d consider are: following Phish, making a pilgrimage to perhaps India, becoming a surf or ski bum, or going somewhere and meditating and studying like crazy). Then it occurred to me: I have no material things! Well I have some stuff: nice furniture, nice clothes, huge tv, computer, car, ipod. But I don’t attach myself to any of those things, and I wouldn’t be devastated to lose any one of them (except maybe for the car—to me a car symbolizes freedom, which I value). Why, then, am I living this life in a city I’ve grown tired of, working a job that I am not invested in? The only answer I can come up with is that it provides security.

I keep thinking that if I’m just able to save X amount of money I’ll have enough to go on some sort of adventure and have enough to sustain me for a little bit. But would I really do it? After all, devoting oneself to God does not come with a 401(k) or health insurance. Caroline Myss says several times in Anatomy of the Spirit that she’s never met anyone who has regretted giving their life up to God. I do want to do this, but I’m not bold enough to do it without making sure that I have a contingency fund of money to use in case things don’t work out. My problem is the same lack of faith that characterizes society as a whole. I want to find God and give myself up to the search, but if I break my arm, how do I pay for the medical bills?

At any rate, I really have no options right now. I have over 2 more years left on my car loan and no money saved except for my 401(k). I don’t plan to abandon this path of yoga that I’m on, so hopefully the next two years finds me deepening my practice, getting in good financial shape, and solidifying what the next step in my journey will be. Life is too rich and fulfilling to be spent confined to a cubicle. This is not what I’ve been put on earth to do.